Rabbi Ozer and Leah Moszkowski of Etz Chaim Synagogue share their thoughts on the Bar and Bat Mitzvah, coming of age.
A tender young girl or boy, barely scraping adolescence, suddenly thrust into an adult world, with the full weight of decision resting squarely on their narrow shoulders. This sounds archaic, barbaric even. Horridly reminiscent of deadly dark mines or scrabbling under toothed machines at cotton mills.
Is that why we feel compelled to commandeer expansive halls, energetic DJs, enough disco lights to bring the roof down, and all the cake our town can bake, to drown out the terrible fate of our child’s new reality?
Or is it actually the most forward, intuitive, eternally understanding recognition of what our dear preteens need more than anything else, as they pass the start line on the marathon called life? For it is not actually a burden we are strapping to their young shoulders, but a secret jetpack for success.
Because it is G-D telling your child, I believe in you. I trust you. I know you can listen to that quiet voice at the back of your mind saying, don’t laugh when you see someone fall, don’t talk about your friend behind their back, don’t share that video she begged you not to show anyone. I believe in you! You are no longer a small child who needs to be told not to eat like that, sit like that, talk like that. You are an adult now. You have the biggest brightest future! I believe in you. I trust you. I know you have a strong inner moral compass that you can learn to rely on to make decisions.
After all, the biggest gift you can give your child is teaching them the power of self-control. We do not have to be slaves to our impulses. We do not have to say the nasty thing, or eat the oily thing, or keep scrolling on the fun time-wasting thing, or buy the sparkly thing.
A child with self-control is an empowered child. A child who can accept a ‘no’ is an empowered child. How do we achieve this? By believing in our children. By becoming their loudest cheerleaders. By giving them responsibilities (age appropriate of course). By treating them like fledgling adults. Babied kids will act like babies, ‘adulted’ kids will act like adults. It’s the language we use around them, the responsibilities we give them. We are handcrafting their self-esteem, day by day, stitch by stitch.
Trust your children. They want to learn, they want to become solid, stable, mindful, deeply contented little beings. Let’s help them get there. Yes, the power of decision is a big responsibility, but it’s the biggest gift we can give our kids. This therefore follows why it is the time we enrol our precious little thinkers into B’nei Mitzvah learning groups. They need knowledge of their heritage in order to make good Jewish decisions. The eternal wisdom rings so true. For morality, for interpersonal relationships, for truth, for direction.
But the pursuit of knowledge is a lifelong endeavour. Perhaps post Bat and Bar Mitzvah groups are where it’s really at?
The world nowadays asks so much of our kids. Cyber bullying- a monster we couldn’t concoct in our darkest nightmares, antisemitism in their supposed safe spaces, exposure to visceral global horror. We as parents and communities need to run to keep up so that we can sprint alongside our precious children and offer them emotional and spiritual support, nourishment, guidance, and validation as they battle the marathon that is life as a modern teen.